My daughter has a friend who is a boy, and he is the sweetest kid in the world. He is kind, attentive, sensitive, heartfelt, and empathetic.
When boys are little, they’re sweet. They pick flowers for their moms. They have a softness to them. Then toxic masculinity comes along, and they disconnect from their emotions. Or rather, according to one mom, they retain and express only one emotion in particular.
“See these boys? These are our boys,” Jen Hamilton begins in her viral TikTok, showing a picture of her children. “And we have decided not to raise tough boys.”
“I might sound crazy, but when you raise your kids to be tough, or you tell them to toughen up, what you’re teaching them is how to mask true emotions that they’re feeling to appear strong.”
She goes on to say that when we teach little boys to be “tough” and suck up their emotions, we’re actually enabling them to internalize those emotions. This encouragement to suppress any emotions actually reinvests itself as one singular emotion — anger.
Enter toxic masculinity.
“And what happens is these tough little boys grow up to be men who are only capable of expressing one emotion. And that emotion is anger from pushing down their feeling so much like a beach ball underwater that when that boundary finally breaks, it comes out as temper — throwing things, yelling,” she continued before explaining what she and her husband teach their sons about expressing feelings and having emotions.
“…what we’re teaching our boys is to feel deeply and to allow yourself to feel those feelings and that even the negative emotions that we experience as human beings are there to protect us. So for instance, if my son comes home and he was left out of something, I don’t say, ‘Get over it’ or ‘Toughen up.’ What I say is, ‘Hey, that really sucks. And I know exactly what that feels like and it really hurts,’” Hamilton explained.
“And in allowing themselves to feel those things, they’re able to be more deeply empathetic in other situations where they may see someone being left out. But when we say things like get over it or toughen up, you’re telling them that those feelings aren’t valid and then they are not able to see those feelings as valid in other people.”
Hamilton says that boys (or really anyone) raised to stuff down their emotions do not know how to have any empathy for another, resulting in “selfish, narcissist men who can’t see the emotions of others as valid.”
“I never grew up in a family where my dad yelled or threw things, but my husband did. And I am so grateful that he could get down on his knee in front of our little boys when they’re feeling something big and be able to empathize with them. And no, I don’t think it’s ever necessary or helpful to expose my kids to harsh situations to toughen them up,” Hamilton concluded.
Breaking the trauma of the patriarchy is up to this generation’s parents of young boys. We need to instill the idea that feelings and emotions are valid and normal. We need to tell our boys that it’s okay to cry and be hurt and feel sadness. It’s possible to raise a boy who is sensitive but also strong. Look at the Kelce brothers!
