The Real-Life Diet of Comedian Chris Distefano, Who Only Eats Sweets on Saturday

What are you eating?

Typically, when I wake up it’s a delayed breakfast. Normally, it’s egg whites, avocado and onions in a wrap with a little ketchup and a protein shake. This morning, it was cold oatmeal with pumpkin seeds, which have a lot of protein. I’ll also have a scoop of Athletic Greens with a shot of apple cider vinegar in lemon water.

For lunch, I have a rule that I have to have a salad every day. Some days that salad might be the meal, some days not, but typically for lunch I’ll have the salad with either grilled chicken, fish or sometimes a sandwich.

Dinner will typically be the lightest for me. If I’m home, it’ll be whatever Jas [his partner] is cooking.

Back to the apple cider vinegar with Athletic Greens—are you having to chug that?

I used to, but now what starts to happen is that you just get used to the taste of shit. I heard 21 days, but my mind has just adjusted to the new reality. It’s just not as disgusting as it was, or maybe it is, but I can just tolerate it.

It’s like with meditation—I do Transcendental Meditation—it’s not that my allergies are any better than they were a year ago, it’s just that since I’ve been meditating I deal with my allergy symptoms better.

How often are you meditating?

With Transcendental Meditation you’re supposed to do 20 minutes twice a day. I set that as a goal and 95 percent of the time I can’t do it. At the very least I try to get 10 minutes a day.

It’s the same way you’ve gotta exercise discipline with your eating and in the gym. I feel like when I’m meditating, it’s not so much that I’m getting all of this clarity, but it’s just calming down my mind. It’s almost like the storm starts to settle and the things that start to actually matter kind of pop to the front of my head.

OK, as for comedy, I just heard your podcast with Colin Quinn and he made fun of you because wanting to host Saturday Night Live is your dream. I wanted to know, if they reached out and asked you to host tomorrow, who would you tell first?

My mom. She’s a humongous SNL fan. She’s like the person that knows the random actress who won a Golden Globe in 1981. She loves Hollywood. So she’d be the first person I’d tell because my daughters wouldn’t know what the hell I’m talking about and Jasmine wouldn’t care. Well, she would care, but it just wouldn’t mean as much to her as it would my mom.

Hosting SNL is another thing that I would say is on my bucket list of dreams. And by the way, we’ve got Radio City sold out, and if we sell out the theater at Madison Square Garden—if we sell out those two then the hope is to get Madison Square Garden.

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