Only Sexyy Red Can Save the New York Jets

Things look extremely bleak for the New York Jets. Their bizarre win on Monday Night Football felt more like a loss, thanks to inimitable quarterback Aaron Rodgers tearing his Achilles on the very first possession of the season. (Here is the part where you get your jokes in about the Jets being cursed, Rodgers’ wellness-pilled brain treating the injury with his personal concoction of patchouli and anti-Bluetooth rays, or Tom Brady coming out of retirement to save his former rivals.)

But this is a very serious matter, and one that requires real thought. Along with Rodgers’ physical health, the mental health of Jets fans everywhere is at stake—not just ESPN’s Mike Greenberg, though his very public journey through last night’s game surely mirrored that of non-famous Jets fans, as well. With the official diagnosis coming down this morning and ruling Rodgers out for the rest of the year, the Jets need a leader—someone who has the respect of the locker room, and ideally, someone with clout whose youthful energy can spark the team throughout the season. There is really only one answer here. The New York Jets need Sexyy Red.

There’s a level of familiarity, which helps. Sexyy Red is already beloved by the Jets. Her music got them through training camp—at least, the players who know she is not the same person as Ice Spice—and she was rewarded with a sideline pass for the first game.

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It is now time for her to take her game to the next level. With all due respect to Zach Wilson, the already-tortured Jets’ fanbase deserve better than to watch him pilot the next 16 games. Sexyy Red, meanwhile, is must-see television, the kind of rising star that’s impossible to take your eyes off of. The “SkeeYee” rapper is in her athletic prime as well, and if her dance moves are any indication, is in pretty good shape to take over this offense. The upstart 25-year-old rapper is much more of a traditional NFL age than Rodgers (39), Brady (46), or any of the washed up Ryan Fitzpatrick/Matt Ryan/Philip Rivers-types whose names will get bandied about. Perhaps Sexyy Red’s newfound fame gives her a big enough voice to finally get MetLife Stadium to ditch its artificial turf, something that several players pointed to as a real and injury-causing problem that the NFL needs to address.

The Jets already got one surprise performance from an exciting newcomer. In his first ever NFL game, undrafted free agent Xavier Gipson won the game for the Jets—again, lost in all the “it’s so over” commotion is the fact that the Jets did in fact win—with a walkoff punt return.

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