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My daughter is three years old. That means that she says hilarious things, tells me she loves me and really means it, amazes me every day with how much she actually learns and knows about the world, and just generally is the cutest thing alive. She also tests my patience daily, throws mega meltdown tantrums, and tells me to “GO AWAY!” with a scowl that could pierce the toughest of hearts. She wakes up some mornings and chooses violence and our household descends into chaos.
It’s tough being three. It’s also tough living with it.
Even so, whether her meltdown is due to something totally valid or because I had to tell her the dreaded word “no,” I will never send her into time out.
In previous generations, the time out may have been standard practice, and still is for a lot of families. But for us, making her spend time looking at a corner or sitting in her room when she’s feeling completely overwhelmed is not something my husband and I find to be effective. We also don’t want to teach her that having feelings is a punishable offense.
Now, this is not to say that we let our kid she can scream and yell and hit us when she’s unable to regulate. She still needs to have a moment of pause and reset when on the brink of (or already) losing her s–t. We just don’t leave her alone when she’s there. Instead, we practice “time-ins.”
Research shows that what most call a “time-out” can be effective. “Many decades of research have shown that time-out is associated with a reduction in aggressive behavior, improved child compliance, and increased generalization of appropriate behavior across environments,” Brett Enneking, PsyD, HSPP Assistant Professor of Clinical Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics, Division of Child Development, wrote in a 2020 study.
However, traditional time-outs have their downsides. Enneking elaborates: “Common criticisms include that time-outs increase emotional dysregulation, fail to teach children distress tolerance skills, isolate them when they need support, and may re-traumatize children who have experienced abuse. Moreover, there is concern that time-outs may not be properly implemented by parents and lead to inappropriate and coercive use of time-out.”
Enter: the time-in.
Based on something called Trust-Based Relational Intervention, or TBRI, which is an emotional regulation tool developed at Texas Christian University, a time-in brings children and their caregivers together in the moment, working together to bring down the chaos instead of isolating the child. Time-ins create a safe, trusting space for the little one to reset their emotions.
“We advocate and teach caregivers to use time-ins instead of time-outs as a discipline practice with vulnerable children,” Casey Call, assistant director of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at TCU told Time. She explained that time-ins communicate to the child that their parents are here to help you calm down. Time-outs, on the other hand, can imply to kids they need to “figure this out on your own.”
When our daughter is screaming, crying, and completely out of hand, whether it be her bedroom or a private corner of the house, we take her off to the side and (sometimes literally) step back. We’ve found that staying with her has helped her reset her emotions way faster than when we used to put her in her crib, shut the door, and walk out. We observe, offer help or to deep breathe with her, and even if she’s screaming for us to “GO AWAY!” we stay put.
We ask her if she wants a hug or a glass of water. We typically don’t do much talking but rather just remain physically present on the floor with her. If my husband or I are also losing out you-know-what and need some emotional regulation of our own, we give her a basket filled with items to help calm down, like music, books, coloring pages, and crayons, or a sensory fidget toy like a glitter bottle.
Then we go take a break of our own.
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