Keeping kids safe on social media is no picnic, especially as they get older and develop more independence, both IRL and on their digital devices. So what happens when you come across a post online that rings some alarm bells in your brain?
Maybe you have access to your kid’s accounts, or maybe you don’t, and someone else alerted you to something they posted and/or shared that seems concerning. Maybe it’s a photo or video where they’re crying, or a meme with cryptic quotes or lyrics, or perhaps it’s more direct — they’re outwardly sharing their emotions online, and it feels like a call for help.
This behavior is called “sadfishing,” a term coined by journalist Rebecca Reid in 2019 and then defined by researchers in 2021 as social media users who “exaggerate their emotional state online to generate sympathy.”
Adults do it, too — we all know a person who chronically overshares online. Heck, many of us have been that person. (Guilty as charged here!) But in tweens and teens, sadfishing can be a symptom of underlying mental health concerns, including anxiety and/or depression due to loneliness or a lack of perceived social support. And yes, it is a cry for attention. But does it mean your child is actually suffering, and what should parents do?
According to a 2023 study published in the journal BMC Psychology, teens who were struggling with their mental health were more likely to engage in attention-seeking behaviors like sadfishing. Though researchers found that boys at age 12 reported “higher sadfish tendencies” than girls, the behavior decreased over time. For girls, the opposite held true, showing an increase in social media sadfishing as they got older.
Not sure if something counts as sadfishing? Aside from the aforementioned vague posts — or, the opposite, including exaggerated stories and oversharing — Nicholette Leanza, LPPC-S, a therapist at LifeStance Health, shares some examples of things teens might write online.
- “I can never do anything right; why am I still here?”
- “No one understands me.”
- “I feel so alone” or “I feel so hopeless.”
- “I just can’t take it anymore.”
No matter what your kid has posted, you may rightfully feel very worried. As a parent, you’re stuck in a sticky spot. Affording your kid the freedom to express themselves online and develop their own identity can be at odds with these types of posts, exposing them to potential bullying from their peers and attention from predators. After all, social media is hardly a safe haven, and kids should not be expected to navigate these waters alone, without the support of a trusted adult.
Point blank: If your child is sadfishing, there’s a good chance something deeper is going on with them, as Leanza tells Scary Mommy. Be it mental health concerns or self-esteem issues, using social media as an outlet to seek sympathy or overshare can point to a lack of social connection. But even if your child garners the sympathy they’re seeking online, it’s not likely to help them in the long run. Social media posts are not a substitute for genuine support, and it’s not a fix for any underlying problems they might be experiencing.
Leanza recommends approaching your child only if you can provide them a safe- and judgment-free zone to share their feelings. If you can’t, it could backfire, causing them to feel embarrassed, defensive, or angry.
A gentle approach can help, along with an explicit reminder that you’re always available anytime they want to talk, advises Leanza. Let your child know “that they are seen and heard and give them the invitation to talk more about it,” she adds. “It’s important that teens feel they have autonomy, and framing it as an open invitation can be helpful with this.”
“Parents should never discredit or invalidate their teen,” she continues. “Saying things like ‘you’re faking’ or ‘stop being so dramatic’ is not helpful and gives the teen the message that the parent is not safe to talk with about their feelings.” Minimizing their concerns or belittling their feelings will only drive them further away.
Generally speaking, Leanza says you should be on the lookout for other changes in mood or behavior, such as withdrawing from friends or other social activities, increased irritability or anger, changes in sleeping patterns, loss of interest in hobbies, and/or appetite changes — all of which can be signs of anxiety or depression in tweens and teens. Substance use can also lead to increased sadfishing, as drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions and increase impulsivity.
“If teens are self-harming, that is also a big concern,” adds Leanza, “as well as if they are consistently stating that they no longer want to live.” Posting about self-harm, even if you have no evidence that they’re doing it, is another serious warning sign that’s not to be ignored.
In any case, it’s crucial to check in with your child’s school or your family doctor, both of whom can point you to a licensed mental health professional to help support you and your child. Though it can feel empowering in the moment to be vulnerable on social media, ensuring your kid has ample access to trusted social connections is so important. Limiting screen time whenever possible and monitoring privacy settings — along with getting them the real-life support they truly need — is mission-critical for any child who might be struggling.
