I’m not sure what I expected when I opened my middle school son’s statewide standardized math and reading test results. So, I guess when I saw his score sitting right on top of the bell curve, I breathed a sigh of relief. Having ADHD and a pretty strong aversion to tests, this was a success — a huge win that he is progressing and not falling behind as we navigate ADHD.
His academic assessment has been pretty consistent with grades and teacher reports up until this point. I can safely assume that he is currently an average academic performer for his age. But is that okay?
Instinctively, my gut says ‘yes.’ My intuition tells me if he is developing good character, is kind, and does not fall behind, I should be more than satisfied. But then a little voice of self-doubt creeps in telling me to second guess that his scores and achievement levels now — even in 6th grade — might impact his future.
I quickly go down a rabbit hole of wondering: Will any of this really matter? Maybe. Do his academic grades reflect his adult earning potential? His skill set? His ability to navigate the difficulties of life? Looking around at the adults I have known since childhood, I think the answer is no. Of course, being at the top or bottom of your academic class will impact future opportunities, but being in the middle could likely go either way.
Should I push him to achieve more? I think he is doing his best. But as his parent, I think it’s my job to encourage extra help, tutoring, and more to advance him to a higher level of academic success than he might achieve on his own. I’m torn about whether middle-of-the-road status is good enough or if I should be doing more to push him.
These questions feel significant and confusing. He is my firstborn, this is my first time navigating these older-kid questions, and to be honest, I feel ill-equipped. So, in a quest to figure this out, I asked myself a big, but simple question: What is the most important thing I want for my son?
The answer is always happiness. Of course, the longer and more detailed answer includes a lot of other things — but ultimately, I want him to grow up to be someone who is happy.
Is his middle school academic performance going to impact this? Or are the two even related? I’m not sure. But I am worried I will screw this up, and his failure will be because of me.
When I look at seemingly happy adults around me, the recipe for achieving that happiness certainly does not seem the same. My smartest friends are not always the happiest, wealthiest or high-achieving. Their happiness is likely a product of many different things from throughout their lives. Is educational success even at the top of the list?
My gut tells me I need to chill out. Right now, I see a kind, social, wonderfully funny and empathetic kid. He seems happy, and I feel like I have to have faith he is going to be alright.
Samm is an ex-lawyer and mom of four who swears a lot. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
