As a parent, I’ve always been aware that the problems my daughters come to me with would start to feel big at some point. Their troubles would progress from simple things like, “My friend wouldn’t share their toy with me,” to more complex worries like, “Why doesn’t my friend like me anymore?” I knew it would happen; I just didn’t think it would start as soon as second grade.
Recently, while driving in the car with my oldest daughter, who is 7, I was caught entirely off guard when she started talking about one of her friends at school being “the popular one” and how this little girl is “so perfect” and “everyone likes her.” As my brain worked overtime trying to come up with an age-appropriate response, my daughter added, “I wish I could be that popular.”
Honestly, I’ve always felt more than qualified to talk to my daughters about popularity, because I know firsthand what it’s like to be in the “popular” circle as a young girl, and I know just how miserable it can be. The social experiences I had from fourth through eighth grades are practically burned into my brain. I vividly remember the snide comments all of us girls would make to each other, the backstabbing, and the quiet exhaustion we all felt trying to keep up with one another socially. We were less friends than we were competitors. Even now, as an adult, I am still constantly scared that people are talking about me behind my back. I may be a reformed Heather, but I’ve never been able to shake off the effects of those friendships fully.
Still, despite all my lived experience, when my 7-year-old brought up popularity, I sat there silent and stunned, unsure how to address the topic. I thought I had at least until fourth or fifth grade before popularity concerns would begin popping up — and I assumed popularity would be coupled with stories of “mean girls,” which would allow me to talk about both things at once.
But the little girl my daughter spoke of is far from a mean girl. She’s so sweet and is one of my daughter’s closest friends, so I’m pretty sure that sharing my experiences would just scare my 7-year-old into thinking that her friend would eventually start being mean to her. It’s not exactly the message I wanted to send.
For all the thought I’d given this topic, I wasn’t prepared for the basic reality of parenting: your kid’s experiences are often like yours, but totally different in the specifics.
After a few seconds, the shock of the subject’s timing wore off, and I quickly reevaluated how to approach things. I launched into a conversation about how having good friends who make you feel good and happy is much more important than whether or not you’re considered “the popular one.” I reminded my daughter that she loves being friends with this little girl because they have fun together, and their friendship has nothing to do with popularity.
She nodded and agreed, but still, I felt like I’d botched my response a little. I worry that I didn’t give her the reassurance she needed.
I wish I could have sympathized with her more, asked her questions about what popularity means to her, and let the conversation evolve organically to show her that I was listening and that her feelings matter.
Fortunately — or perhaps unfortunately — I know that this is only one of many conversations we will have about her social life as she continues to grow. Eventually, she’ll be old enough for me to feel comfortable sharing some of the details of my experiences and all of the things I’ve learned since, and maybe my stories will help her navigate her social journey and friendships. There’s no doubt that the topic will come up again soon, and at least I’ll be prepared for when it does.
Ashley Ziegler is a freelance writer living just outside of Raleigh, NC, with her two young daughters and husband. She’s written across a range of topics throughout her career but especially loves covering all things pregnancy, parenting, lifestyle, advocacy, and maternal health.
