The idea that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men is practically a meme of American culture. Sit-coms are rife with sex-starved husbands grimacing through a comedically timed “Not tonight, I have a headache” from their less enthusiastic wives. Middle-aged male stand-up comedians would have gone extinct in the ’90s if they couldn’t do a tight five about their girlfriend’s withholding frigidity. In more recent years, however, thank goodness, we’ve finally started having public discourse about why. You can blame the orgasm gap: women just aren’t reaching climax as much as their male counterparts. Now, a massive new study published in the journal Sexual Medicine has indeed confirmed that not only does the orgasm gap exist, but it persists over the course of straight women’s lives.
Data came from eight Singles in America surveys — which are done annually through a partnership between Match.com and The Kinsey Institute, which comprise nearly 25,000 single Americans between the ages of 18 and 100. (Sidebar: heaven bless those still getting it on at 100.) Analysis of the data show that men of all sexual orientations surveyed — gay, straight, and bisexual — reported higher orgasm rates during sex than their female counterparts. Men report achieving orgasm between 70% and 85% of the time compared with just 46% to 58% percent for women. Though, good news for lesbian and bisexual women between ages 35 and 49: you’re apparently doing better than your straight friends overall.
Kinsey Institute research scientist Amanda Gesselman, the lead author on the study, had hypothesized that looking at such a broad age swathe might show a narrowing of the gap as individuals grew older, more sexually experienced, and more assertive in their sexual relationships. Alas, she told The New York Times, “we really didn’t see evidence of closing the orgasm gap overall.”
The findings probably didn’t surprise a lot of us; we’ve been hearing about (or experiencing) the orgasm gap for a while now. But it’s not just confirmation of hearsay and anecdotes, says sexual health expert and author of the weekly newsletter Sex on Wednesday Martha Kempner.
“There’s been a bunch of research over the years that has found an orgasm gap between men and women in heterosexual relationships in particular,” she says, citing specifically the National Survey of Sexual Health Behaviors found that 85% of men had had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event compared to just 64% of women. But she continues, she doubts most of us need a study to understand this truth.
“We live in a society that basically tells us sex is more for men than women,” she observes. “That message gets reinforced all over popular culture and seeps into relationships.” (You will perhaps recall how this article opened: with the sit-com jokes and stand-up comedians and general zeitgeist of misogyny that hurts everyone.)
But it’s not entirely hopeless. Kempner agrees with author and sex educator Emily Nagoski’s commentary in The New York Times, which highlighted the fact that “sexual intercourse” isn’t clearly defined and may be skewing results. If, for example, a couple engages in some excellent foreplay before penetrative sex, are respondents “counting” the clitoral orgasms their partner gave them via a wand vibrator? Or are they only responding for “traditional” penis-in-vagina sex? We just don’t know.
Another ray of hope: the survey did make the distinction between “sexual pleasure” and “orgasm,” and it’s a distinction that can help couples reframe how they look at sex to make it better for everyone involved.
“We live in a pretty goal-oriented society so it’s not surprising that … orgasms become that natural goal because they feel great,” says Kempner. “Taking the focus off orgasm can help us live in the moment a little more … an approach that says ‘Oh that feels good, let’s do that for a little while longer,’ even if you know it’s not likely to trigger a climax right away.”
And, of course, there are also concrete things you can do to increase pleasure and possibly orgasms. “Talk, toys, and lube,” she says bluntly.
For talk: be honest with each other about what you like and don’t like and what you want right now. For example, maybe you’re just in the mood for a quickie. Or maybe you want to pregame with a sensual massage or sweet nothings whispered in your ear. “You don’t have to script sex,” she says, “but being clear about your mood upfront takes some pressure off and less pressure means more pleasure.”
Lube, especially as we get older (or are still regulating post-baby bodies and hormones), is also a must, regardless of the kind of sex you’re having. Less friction and, by extension, irritation, can only ever improve matters. And even though toys might feel intimidating for some — particularly with a partner — they can help folks, especially people with vaginas and clitorises (clitori?) get the stimulation they need to achieve more orgasms. She recommends vibrators and clitoral suction toys in particular. “I especially like vibrating rings that slip over the penis,” she suggests. “They basically turn your partner into your own personal sex toy that can provide clitoral stimulation during penetration.”
Honestly, there are worse ways to bridge a gap. And if at first you don’t succeed, have fun try, trying again.
