As a middle child, one of the reasons I was so adamant about having an odd-numbered amount of children is because I wanted to raise a middle child. There’s something incredibly special about every kid, but middle kids are just built different — and I know this even better through parenting my three girls. My middle child is my weird one, my sensitive one, my people-pleaser, my hey-guys-lets-keep-the-peace girl. Middle child syndrome is 100% real, and that’s why it’s so important to have a list of things your middle child needs to hear every day.
OK, so middle child syndrome is real, but not in any super scientific sense. “It’s real because birth order can absolutely affect personalities,” Deborah Johnson, a middle school guidance counselor in Georgia, tells Scary Mommy. “A lot of the pressures and stereotypes on birth order are there because we as a society manifest them in the ways we parent, but I think there’s some truth in how middle children perceive the world versus eldest children.”
Which means if you have a middle child, no matter how hard you try, they may still have moments of self-doubt, thinking they aren’t listened to as much as their siblings, or feeling excluded. So taking a moment to think about how they feel in a situation, and making it a point to validate their feelings, can go a long way.
Thank you for being so patient.
If you find yourself feeling a little disconnected from your middle child throughout the day, that’s pretty normal. Johnson says she often hears from parents who say they feel like their middle child gets the least attention from them because they are often dealing with bigger things with their elder children — like schoolwork or relationships — and then basically just trying to keep the youngest one alive. So when your middle child has to wait for things because their little sibling needs a nap or because their older sibling has an important event to get ready for, just remind them that you appreciate their patience.
“This is one of those I-see-you kind of things to say,” Johnson says. “It’s just a nice way to remind your middle child that you’re fully aware that they’d rather be doing something else, but you also recognize how patient they’re being.”
And yes, this is worth saying even if they aren’t being as patient as you’d like them to be.
I trust you.
I feel this one deeply, as both a middle child and a mother of a middle child. I often feel like my middle child is left to her own devices because I’m trying to help my oldest through some terrible fifth-grade math or dealing with her toddler sister’s tantrum. So Johnson recommends just making sure your middle child hears “I trust you” each day.
“This can come up in different ways, but I really love letting middle kids — and all kids, really — have some jurisdiction over their own lives. For middle children who may feel like they aren’t getting as much attention as their siblings, you reinforcing to them that you trust them to make decisions and believe in them can give them a lot of confidence,” she says.
I love hearing your ideas.
Again, this is something Johnson thinks every child should hear throughout the day, but for middle children who feel a little lost in their siblings, it’s especially impactful. If you’re asking everyone what they want for dinner or looking for ideas on what to do during family time, making a point to acknowledge your middle child’s contributions and tell them that not only do you hear them, but you love hearing them, can go a long way.
How did that make you feel?
“Validation is always huge,” Johnson says. “I think we often know — or assume we know — what the eldest feels and the youngest feels, but we are kind of lost on middle kid perspectives. So just ask them when something happens — good or bad — how they felt about it. I find that a lot of middle kids piggyback onto what their older siblings say, even if they don’t really feel that way, so giving them a question specifically for them to answer about their feelings is really helpful.”
No matter what, your middle child is still just a kid who needs to hear that they’re loved and valued every single day. If you notice your middle child feeling left out or like they don’t get as much attention, Johnson suggests setting some time aside to just hang out with them. Nothing fancy, doesn’t even have to be out of the house — just be with them with zero other distractions and talk to them. “You may be surprised at all the things they suddenly start sharing when they feel like they have the space and time to do it,” she says.
