Once kids grow up, start their own lives, and meet their partners, things change when it comes to family dynamics. This is obvious. Part of those changes typically surround the holiday season. When I got married, my husband and I had to discuss the logistics of where we were going for the holidays.
Do we go with his family? My family? Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? There’s a lot to figure out! That kind of logistics gets even harder and more complicated if your respective families don’t live close to one another. Thankfully, for me and my husband, our parents live on the same street. (Long story!)
These kinds of decisions become especially stressful if you have parents who are not-so understanding — AKA they guilt trip the sh*t out of you for “choosing” your in-laws over them.
One mom on X, Ashley Stevens, was met with some pushback when she vented about her son’s choice to spend this Christmas with his girlfriend’s family.
Her first post on X reads, “Y’all, it’s happening. My son called me about spending Christmas with his girlfriend’s family. He asked if it was okay with me, and I said absolutely not. I’m not okay with it. I think I teared up a little bit. I don’t care about him missing any other holiday, but not this one.”
She continued in another post, “Nobody prepares you for this part of parenting. Your kids grow up, find a partner and new traditions. Not gonna lie, it hurt a little. Of course I told him he can do whatever he wants to do, it’s his decision but if you’re asking if I’m okay with it, the answer is no.”
She went on to say that she’s more than happy to host her son’s girlfriend as well.
“I told him she’s more than welcome to come home with him and join us. I’ll make sure she has pajamas, a stocking and a seat at the table. If he’s with her family, I’ll be salty as fuck, but support the decision if it’s what he wants, even if I don’t agree and hate it,” she concluded.
The X thread, posted on Dec. 3, now has nearly 1 million views with several X users pointing out some toxic notions in Ashley’s narrative.
“You expect the girl’s parents to be okay with her missing their traditions so long as you can keep your son under your thumb? Not many people in your life tell you to your face what a fucking clown you are, do they?” one user said.
“serious question: how do you think ANY new families are started? partners eventually become parents, become the creators of a new family,” one user pointed out.
“As a married 31 year old who feels extraordinary guilt about all things holiday to the detriment of my relationship with my parents, I would encourage you to work through your hard feelings about your kid growing up outside of his presence,” one user replied.
Stevens responded, “I mean this with as much kindness, you are projecting. If you read my thread and didn’t catch that I’m already dealing with my feelings individually and working through that I don’t know what to tell you.”
Stevens eventually admitted that her feelings about her son not coming home have less to do with his girlfriend and more to do with her own feelings about a change in the family dynamic.
“It’s less to do with him spending Christmas with his girlfriend, and more to do with me navigating this new phase in life. Having honest conversations about feelings, even if they’re negative, isn’t manipulative,” she said.
Some users thanked the OP for her honesty about the hardship of letting your grown kids go. One particular user noted that while her feelings on the situation are valid, she shouldn’t place them on her son. The OP doubled down on the fact that she told her son that she was “not okay” with him skipping Christmas.
“I really like this question for several reasons. Fair in this situation is irrelevant because there’s no “fair” in feelings. I’m honest with my son and sometimes honesty comes with uncomfortable and difficult feelings. Learning how to manage and communicate them is important,” she wrote.
“It’s my job as a parent to help my son navigate and communicate difficult feelings. I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. What would that teach him? Everyone should be able to talk about negative feelings in a constructive way that isn’t manipulative.”
She continued, “I didn’t raise an emotionally stunted young man that can’t have difficult conversations about feelings. We really talk and listen over here. We don’t bury or invalidate anyone’s feelings, big or small.”
So, what’s the right answer here? Should parents be open and honest with their kids about their sadness and disappointment when holiday plans don’t include them? Or is that something they should suck up so as to not make their kids feel guilty or uncomfortable?
