It’s been eight years since I got divorced. In that time, I’ve heard a lot of dating advice. Most of it – whether from a podcast, a meme or even a trusted friend who is also new to the dating pool again – pertained to women being the drivers of the relationship from beginning to end: how, since I last dated, women have started asking men out, paying for dates and generally just tell men what to do.
None of it sat right with me no matter where it came from. I knew one thing: I didn’t really like any of it. But since I had been out of the loop for two decades, I decided to give it a whirl. After all, I like to manage things and make sure they are done a certain way. I could treat dating the way I treated my job or a home project, right?
Only, itt all felt wrong. I had a coffee date with a guy I liked and he paid, which was nice. Then he asked me to dinner, and when the check came and he didn’t reach for it, I offered to split it. After all, I was fine with being a modern woman now. Only when he (very eagerly) agreed, my heart sank. I was so turned off. Over the next few months while we dated, I learned he was not only fine with splitting every check, but that’s what he wanted. He also liked when I helped him out with things at his apartment, but didn’t reciprocate for me. He never took charge, always wanted me to plan dates and often asked if I would drive.
Over the years, I’ve dated a few other men like this. Here’s the thing: The last thing I want to do as a single mom is be in my masculine energy all the time. I already have to be a mom and a dad when my kids are with me. I manage my household on my own and work for myself. I want a break, and, outdated or not, I want a man to give it to me.
I’ll get a lot of shit for saying this, but where are the old-fashioned men? The ones who never let you drive, the ones who don’t want you to pay for a date, the ones who shovel your walkway when it needs to be done knowing full well you can do it yourself but they want to help you.
I want a man who gives, not one who takes. One who makes the first move and follows through planning a date. It doesn’t have to be anything special – a walk or coffee will do – but I don’t want to think about it or plan it. I want to be around a man who makes me feel safe and allows me to turn my brain off and be in the moment.
I don’t care what you think of me, but I want no part of this. I may be a modern woman in other areas of my life – I’ve lived on my own for a long time, I run two businesses, and I’m a kickass single mom. But when it comes to dating, I don’t want to be a modern woman.
I know I can have both. And I have no problem waiting for the right man to come along.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
